Do Not Resuscitate .. originally by someone else and copied by me without permission!

A DNR order - the decision of a person to ask to be left alone, to not be saved. its so simple, so crisp. you give the order. your doctor follows it. and you are free.
when you get out of a relationship, you are told to move on. Reason: you are better off. Method: DNR - Do not resuscitate. Only, in this case, it is not nearly as simple. Coz, in this case, you dont have a doctor to pull the plug for you.
It takes a lot to forget. forgiveness is way easier. to forgive you need a reason - which cud be denial, blind faith or even a rational decision. we forgive coz it gives us a sense of calm, of peace. but to forget is not that voluntary. a relationship has a life of its own, a life you feed on, add to, learn from, make space for. grow with, get attached to. and then it gets hurt. there is that initial shock and pain. but eventually, all rationality tells you there is nothing that can be done. you have to let it go. that trying to mend the broken pieces will only add to the pain. that its time to pull the plug. But you cant. coz there is a part of you in there - its only a capsule in time but its there and its true and beautiful and happy. how can you be better off without it. it was a life lived on its own but it made yours special. how can you not want it back. it didnt make everything right but it made you want to try. how can you not miss wat was almost there. u can forgive watever got it hurt but how do you forget that you care.
coz in a relationship, a DNR order is not about ending the pain, its about forgetting the happiness.
truth is, for some things there is just no easy way out. no plug to pull. no switch to turn off. no place to run to. you just have to watch untill it really dies.

and i run..

i have started running a lot these days.. may be its just the fact that everyone in second year wants to get back to shape (back? am not that sure!) or realise its the last time they have before they get into the hectic corporate life.. whatever the reason, this one is not for me.. for one even though some people call me fat (yes they do!) i dont think i am that fat because medically i am still undersweight! and i havent joined gym or anything to get back into shape or lets say in my case get into some shape for the starters.. i just run.. and i dont have any reason to run! not the getting back into shape and/or getting fit reasons! i just run! at times i wonder if i am running just because i want to run away from everything happening around me and am not that brave (or coward? am not sure) enough to do it! its happens a lot of times when you are waiting for something and it tends to be an anticlimax.. which could have been possible since we all waited for second year like mad!! but never in my life had i thought would my time back from internship would be so sad! i was waiting for this time for so long and now when i am looking at the of kalaiedescope of my life right now, i am shocked at not being able to even find even thing going even ok with me.. looks like am screwed from all sides! if they say there is a nadir, i think (and in many more ways hope!!) this is of my life.. getting screwed from every side and i have no where to run! seems thats one reason i am running so much till i drop dead! and in a very weird way, there too i run in circles to get back to the same point where i had started with! wondering if its a normal thing or is it an indication.. i run from something and i wonder what i am running from.. but i dont know why just that pain and exhaustion gives me pleasure.. may sound freakish but weirdly true!!

some lines from Floyd just sums it..

And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

i dont whr i am heading but i still run ....

learning..

never try to get anything that you dont deserve.. you would sooner or later end up getting hurt......

wish i could say more but dont feel like it...

dirac delta function and chaos theory!!

a blog after a long time.. my inspiration of blogging is more of a dirac delta function, peaking momentarily and remaining at rock bottom for the rest of the time.. some one once said that you tend to blog (write actually, i just changed it for the occasion) when you are sad or happy.. am neither at the moment.. just those days where i am not feeling much from anywhere.. one of those days where you tend to step back and look at what all that is happenning and where you are going.. where familiar faces seem unfamiliar.. where you are in your own world.. and everyone else is something hazy out there and you just want to slow down so that the dust settles down and the things become more clearer..

anyways the inspiration i got for this blog was from the concept of ButterFly Effect which according to wikipedia is "is a phrase that encapsulates the more technical notion of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory. Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system." One very good quote that makes this more clearer is

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

something very trivial but frightengly true.. a small change in what you do changes your future like completely, in much more ways than you could have ever imagined.. and as much as you want to change soemthing that has happened in the past, you cant be sure that the future would turn out to be better than what you have now.. which also in some sense interesting way collaborates the fact the saying that "whatever happens happens for the good". I at times contemplate and imagine situations with some small changes and the possible outcomes .. its an interesting thing to do when you are all alone with nothing else to do.. kind of make a parralel universe of yours where you can imagine the possibilities.. and at times wonder whether some other weird guy did this and then realised that the probability of outcome being better than the present tends towards zero whereas the possiblity of things going horribly wrong is much higher, and hence ispiration for the present being the best outcome possible if you take whole of the past into account.. its weird when you somehow connect two very different things, but at times that weirdness stems from the fact that you are biased towards one line of thinking and hence try to move your thoughts in that direction..

i dont know what i am writing, but then again i wonder when was it ever when i did...

...

Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up knowing tht it has to run faster than the fastest lion or else it will get killed...
Every morning in Africa a lion wakes up realising it has to run faster thn the slowest gazelle or else it will starve to death..
It doest matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.. when the sun wakes up, you gotta be up and running..

snap!

sometimes u try hard.. because u think u can beat "them" this "them" could have many faces.. u know u wont win but u still try hard.. because that's all that gives you that small iota of hope that u can win.. that things may work out in your favour.. however impossible that may seem to be... sometimes you dont look at the reality or worse, make up an imaginary world for yourself... n even when the signals are all there to be seen, u try and sense them in a different light, even lying to your own self along the way.. because again its this lie that kindles that candle of hope in you whenever you come out of your virtual world and face this world.. and again u slip back...

then one day it all snaps... u lose it all.. all the lies that u have been telling yourselves reach a tipping point and you are stark naked in front of reality.. without anyone, all alone.. all your dreams have long gone and all you are is a dreamer who never acted! or never thought he was living the life he was actually living.. and then he lets go.. not in the smooth way but with voilent turmoil.. the force with which a rubber band snaps when it is strechted beyond a limit..

"hope is a good thing, may be the best of things, n no good thing ever dies" - Shawshank Redemption..

for long it has been my favourite qoute.. now a days, i wonder about it.. hope never dies, but what if it isnt born as yet!