u think u kno me.. kno u dont..

random blog

2010-02-28T12:49:00.000+05:30

long time since blogged.. nothing grt to talk about.. life's been pretty much the same :)

Do Not Resuscitate .. originally by someone else and copied by me without permission!

2008-08-03T13:33:00.001+05:30

A DNR order - the decision of a person to ask to be left alone, to not be saved. its so simple, so crisp. you give the order. your doctor follows it. and you are free.
when you get out of a relationship, you are told to move on. Reason: you are better off. Method: DNR - Do not resuscitate. Only, in this case, it is not nearly as simple. Coz, in this case, you dont have a doctor to pull the plug for you.
It takes a lot to forget. forgiveness is way easier. to forgive you need a reason - which cud be denial, blind faith or even a rational decision. we forgive coz it gives us a sense of calm, of peace. but to forget is not that voluntary. a relationship has a life of its own, a life you feed on, add to, learn from, make space for. grow with, get attached to. and then it gets hurt. there is that initial shock and pain. but eventually, all rationality tells you there is nothing that can be done. you have to let it go. that trying to mend the broken pieces will only add to the pain. that its time to pull the plug. But you cant. coz there is a part of you in there - its only a capsule in time but its there and its true and beautiful and happy. how can you be better off without it. it was a life lived on its own but it made yours special. how can you not want it back. it didnt make everything right but it made you want to try. how can you not miss wat was almost there. u can forgive watever got it hurt but how do you forget that you care.
coz in a relationship, a DNR order is not about ending the pain, its about forgetting the happiness.
truth is, for some things there is just no easy way out. no plug to pull. no switch to turn off. no place to run to. you just have to watch untill it really dies.

and i run..

2008-07-20T21:40:00.003+05:30

i have started running a lot these days.. may be its just the fact that everyone in second year wants to get back to shape (back? am not that sure!) or realise its the last time they have before they get into the hectic corporate life.. whatever the reason, this one is not for me.. for one even though some people call me fat (yes they do!) i dont think i am that fat because medically i am still undersweight! and i havent joined gym or anything to get back into shape or lets say in my case get into some shape for the starters.. i just run.. and i dont have any reason to run! not the getting back into shape and/or getting fit reasons! i just run! at times i wonder if i am running just because i want to run away from everything happening around me and am not that brave (or coward? am not sure) enough to do it! its happens a lot of times when you are waiting for something and it tends to be an anticlimax.. which could have been possible since we all waited for second year like mad!! but never in my life had i thought would my time back from internship would be so sad! i was waiting for this time for so long and now when i am looking at the of kalaiedescope of my life right now, i am shocked at not being able to even find even thing going even ok with me.. looks like am screwed from all sides! if they say there is a nadir, i think (and in many more ways hope!!) this is of my life.. getting screwed from every side and i have no where to run! seems thats one reason i am running so much till i drop dead! and in a very weird way, there too i run in circles to get back to the same point where i had started with! wondering if its a normal thing or is it an indication.. i run from something and i wonder what i am running from.. but i dont know why just that pain and exhaustion gives me pleasure.. may sound freakish but weirdly true!!

some lines from Floyd just sums it..

And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

i dont whr i am heading but i still run ....

learning..

2008-07-06T04:00:00.001+05:30

never try to get anything that you dont deserve.. you would sooner or later end up getting hurt......

wish i could say more but dont feel like it...

dirac delta function and chaos theory!!

2008-06-15T18:14:00.005+05:30

a blog after a long time.. my inspiration of blogging is more of a dirac delta function, peaking momentarily and remaining at rock bottom for the rest of the time.. some one once said that you tend to blog (write actually, i just changed it for the occasion) when you are sad or happy.. am neither at the moment.. just those days where i am not feeling much from anywhere.. one of those days where you tend to step back and look at what all that is happenning and where you are going.. where familiar faces seem unfamiliar.. where you are in your own world.. and everyone else is something hazy out there and you just want to slow down so that the dust settles down and the things become more clearer..

anyways the inspiration i got for this blog was from the concept of ButterFly Effect which according to wikipedia is "is a phrase that encapsulates the more technical notion of sensitive dependence on initial conditions in chaos theory. Small variations of the initial condition of a dynamical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system." One very good quote that makes this more clearer is

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

something very trivial but frightengly true.. a small change in what you do changes your future like completely, in much more ways than you could have ever imagined.. and as much as you want to change soemthing that has happened in the past, you cant be sure that the future would turn out to be better than what you have now.. which also in some sense interesting way collaborates the fact the saying that "whatever happens happens for the good". I at times contemplate and imagine situations with some small changes and the possible outcomes .. its an interesting thing to do when you are all alone with nothing else to do.. kind of make a parralel universe of yours where you can imagine the possibilities.. and at times wonder whether some other weird guy did this and then realised that the probability of outcome being better than the present tends towards zero whereas the possiblity of things going horribly wrong is much higher, and hence ispiration for the present being the best outcome possible if you take whole of the past into account.. its weird when you somehow connect two very different things, but at times that weirdness stems from the fact that you are biased towards one line of thinking and hence try to move your thoughts in that direction..

i dont know what i am writing, but then again i wonder when was it ever when i did...

...

2008-02-06T22:26:00.000+05:30

Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up knowing tht it has to run faster than the fastest lion or else it will get killed...
Every morning in Africa a lion wakes up realising it has to run faster thn the slowest gazelle or else it will starve to death..
It doest matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.. when the sun wakes up, you gotta be up and running..

snap!

2008-02-05T00:53:00.000+05:30

sometimes u try hard.. because u think u can beat "them" this "them" could have many faces.. u know u wont win but u still try hard.. because that's all that gives you that small iota of hope that u can win.. that things may work out in your favour.. however impossible that may seem to be... sometimes you dont look at the reality or worse, make up an imaginary world for yourself... n even when the signals are all there to be seen, u try and sense them in a different light, even lying to your own self along the way.. because again its this lie that kindles that candle of hope in you whenever you come out of your virtual world and face this world.. and again u slip back...

then one day it all snaps... u lose it all.. all the lies that u have been telling yourselves reach a tipping point and you are stark naked in front of reality.. without anyone, all alone.. all your dreams have long gone and all you are is a dreamer who never acted! or never thought he was living the life he was actually living.. and then he lets go.. not in the smooth way but with voilent turmoil.. the force with which a rubber band snaps when it is strechted beyond a limit..

"hope is a good thing, may be the best of things, n no good thing ever dies" - Shawshank Redemption..

for long it has been my favourite qoute.. now a days, i wonder about it.. hope never dies, but what if it isnt born as yet!

With or without you...

2007-12-21T21:32:00.000+05:30

"
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And Im waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I cant live
With or without you
With or without you"

------------------- U2

Random..

2007-12-20T20:27:00.000+05:30

"Reality is just a bad dream.. The problem is I am still sleeping!"

-- Inspiration in ISPE class today... though not by it..

Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi....

2007-12-02T23:31:00.000+05:30

One of the best movies i have seen till date..
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0411469/

not many movies can force me to write about them.. but i think this one is different in a lot of ways.. the main motivation for me again came from weird sources. I was in a group meeting when a group mate was watching this movie. This kind of small spark is the kind of spark i need to be attracted towards a movie. Another main motivation behind this movie for me was the fact that it was set in 1970s, an era in post-independence India that I really like to read and know a lot about.. I dont know why but that era just kind of attracts me with the emergency, the blind pursuit of power by people whose parents were the ones who fought for independence, and to my mind is a seed for thought as to how different are we from pre-independence era..

The movie is about a girl called Geeta who comes from London and loves a guy called Siddhartha. Sid comes from a well to do family but is more inclined towards working for oppressed people in Bihar and goes for revolutionary methods.. Geeta also has another admirer in Vikram, whose father is a staunch Gandhian and doesnt approve of the then Congress Govt Methods.. Vikram on the other hand wants to become big in life and isnt much interested in what is going on in India..

The movie is a stark reminder of what are we going forward. We all in IITs and IIMs are behind the big bucks and dont care about what is happening in India. I have thought over this though many a times but havent come out in favour of one side of another.. Having being in both of these so called "esteemed institutions" one very striking similarity in these places is the presence of very high no. of middle class junta in this place.. People like me never had the privilege of being exhorbirant.. i came from a good middle class family where the fact that i have to make my career and no one would be able to do anything for me.. perhaps the absence of any option on which i can fall upon if I failed was the biggest driving factor for me to choose the tried and tested path of engg/management etc and not going for anything other path or any kind of social service.. and i think 95% of the junta in these 2 places would agree with this.. even if we want, it just is a night long thought since with the morning comes the hectic life where the cost of us failing or going to a different path is too high for comfort..

i dont know if this all makes sense but atleast for the remaining night, all i want to do is to bring in a change in this country, though the morning tomm, this world would have changed me again into the scared person for whom the gigantic task of working towards a change in society would be too much for his weak shoulders...

nothing to do.. and an ode....

2007-11-23T17:57:00.000+05:30

yeah thats me.. have nothing to do lately.. and turn back time say 10 days back.. this would have been a big joke for me.. life changes dude..
this blog is an ode to the many many blogs i have been reading lately.. most of those unknown to me.. some of my friends.. i love reading others blog.. bad as it may be, i have started going through orkut profiles of many many people and unlike most who go staight to the album [beleive me i have seen many of my friends do that!> i go and straight look at the blogid if they have posted one.. and if they havent, i move out of their profiles.. (though if its a really good looking girl's profile, i do sometimes allow myself the liberty to peep into their album as well ;) ] i dont know.. i never have been a writer myself.. but i do like reading.. and reading other people's blog sort of connects me to them.. though most of the times i dont even know them or would ever come across them.. but still i feel a real connection for the duration that i am reading their blogs.. and i really like it.. i dont know if it is intruding into their privacy but still..

PS: i tried to evolve my blog around a character the good ol' subzero is back :)

summers in november!

2007-11-14T22:57:00.000+05:30

people say a minute is enough to change your life.. i wont say it was one minute for me and that it is one big change in my life.. but yes in matter of some hours, my stay here just became much much cooler than before.. and more importantly, i am going to london for summers!! 13 shortlists on the 13th day.. for many it cudnt get any unluckier than that.. but for me surprisingly, 13th has never been an unlucky number.. had 3 offers from the 4 banks i interviewed with and that was enough for me.. going to lehman brothers for summers... rest laters..

happy diwali

2007-11-09T18:03:00.001+05:30

happy diwali folks..

happy diwali

2007-11-09T18:02:00.001+05:30

happy diwali folks! :)

another random mumbling..

2007-10-31T02:20:00.000+05:30

i know my day counting is going horribly weird bt thn who cares? having all kinds of experieces now a days, n cant say they are my better ones.. started reading Fountainhead and weirdly, am trying to interpret it too.. i dont know why i am writing this blog now, since apparently neither am i pissed, nor happy.. but its just one of those times when you feel like running away because you know something is wrong,and weirdly you just cant pinpoint what is wrong? its one of those times when everything seems to hit rock bottom, and you just dont know where to run to.. or more importantly where to hide.. or do i have to hide? am all confused.. but again, is it something new? NO.. not with me atleast.. somehow everything is hazy in my mind... and i cant relate to anything... i cant find my peace of mind.. and this is just adding to all the confusion and chaos! for once i dont know what should i do to make this all right.. and i dont even know if i can make all this right? and more importantly i dont even know if all this canbe made right?? i want to get numb again.. i think the feeling i am trying to resit from a long long time is my only survival trick.. somehow its not good to be unnatural.. n being numb comes naturally to me..think should become numb again.. "then to hell with this world and all its people.. for i have become ... comfortably numb!"

2007-10-11T19:44:00.000+05:30

again i have stuff to do and i dont want to.. dont know when will the time come that i do something i want to do.. but lets leave that topic away for a second..had some interesting classes today.. marketing was fun..(it always is unless your group is being cold called! :P ) learnt about fundoo stuff like pepsi succeding to make some inroads in market only when coke screws up.. for an ardent pepsi fan, this isnt the best thing to hear (though i dont know why.. i mean pepsi not having large market share wont change it for me.. but i guess thats what is called brand loyalty ;) ) also we learnt about some other ways to look at probs, some which if not told would never come in my mind.. :P
after that we had our IGP class which was about negotiations.. one of the rare classes where i did not agree with the stuff taught, though it wasnt wrong as such.. i mean the instructor taught us to be open and have faith in our counterpart while going for negotiations, which was focussing more on the moral aspect of negotiation.. again i wasnt sure how correct it would be because then in that case, you are opening up yourself for attack because the info that you give out might contain information which would be your constraint and your counterpart may use it against you.. again the moral thing is out there but till the time you are getting some info because of some stupidity of your counterpart and no fraud from your side, i think one should use that during negotiation..controversial, you take your call... :)

btw am still waiting..

you know your life has changed when..

2007-10-10T02:36:00.000+05:30

your mobile phone has become a mere alarm clock
you go to sleep 4 in the morn and get up at 4 in the evening.. and undergo 8 hours of gruelling classes and quizzes in between those times..
a maggi is all u can have if you r feeling hungry anytime after 9!
you blog wen you should study.. and you blog not because you want to blog but just to run away from studies
group studies is considered more important than individual studies , though individual performance is much much more important than group performance..
after writing a blog you change all "u"s to "you"s and so on to get your "yanko!" english out of the system and get back to good old victorian one..

is it my life or me that has changed?? i wonder....

am waiting..

2007-10-02T19:25:00.000+05:30

is it just me or is everyone confused all the time.. i mean everyday everytime i sit down to think what should i do, i think about possibly everything else in the universe except what i sat down to think about.. weird it may be but it is so starkingly obvious to me that sometimes, its really terrifying.. may be am not the only one in this herd.. or may be i am.. whatever it may be, the confusion, the chaos just lingers on.. chaos people say is good, and i agree, but then to always live in constant chaos is too much.. the mind doesnt think what it is supposed to think.. or is there anything that the mind is "supposed" to think??
a lot of people have asked me whether am i ever sure of anything? somehow the sense that anything other than the obvious can happen, however less the chance of tht happening be, creates that suspicion in my mind.. and may be this suspicion has led to be highly critical of anything that i do or think.. i mean for me anyone saying that he is sure of something makes me uncomfortable, and i still wonder why? it may be as obvious as "the sun will come up again tommorrow" but for me the fact that whether this is true or not will be known tommorrow morning itself, so how can someone be so sure of sit today is a big big confusion..

people call me weird... i guess i have given u sufficient reason why... :)

as for the subject, am still waiting..

am i posting?

2007-09-08T02:18:00.000+05:30

seriously cant imagine me posting today but i am.. ohhk lets keep this one short too? hows the new template? fine as of now.. by the time am writing my next blog, i dont know.. yeah thats me.. btw i hve examz from monday.. please please pray for me junta!!

another post in the blog..

2007-08-17T00:59:00.000+05:30

ok i wanted the title to sound something like "another brick in the wall" but failed miserably.. move on to the present.. time 1:30 am in the morn.. i am doing a QM assignment and have to do a MC case too.. that is when am not doing anything about eco so why this blog .. no idea.. jus tht i wanted to take u guys thru wat i am doing now on.. chalo me bck to ques.. will come bck once it is over....
another ques bites the dust.. still a lot to go till i become free

fucking 38 variables and 40+ constraints.. wtf.. am doing the dhobi work right now!! :x
more than an hour gonen i still havent been able to complete 20 fucking constraints.. wtf!
3 o'clock.. and i finally get the ans!! yahooo!!

chalo bck to work.. MC assignment to do!! abhi ke liye itna hi.. baaki samahchar baad main..

2007-08-16T20:12:00.001+05:30

another bad day in office.. kind of has become a norm here :( rest laters...

first up..

2007-08-16T01:19:00.000+05:30

okay this came from the fact tht a lot of people rubbishhed me for using yahoo and not google.. sorry boss.. am in here..